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David J Wheeler.com

The J stands for 'Just can't think of a good tagline right now.'

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Writing

Depressed Castaway

Castaway: Thank god someone finally came! I’ve been stranded here for 6 years.

Captain: Oh my god! You poor soul. Tell us, how have you survived all this time?

Castaway: Food here is actually pretty plentiful, but lately I’ve been kind of forgetting to eat, that’s why I’m so skinny. I have better clothes, I‘ve just been sort of wearing these tattered pants every day ‘cause… I don’t know, it’s comfortable I guess.

Captain: I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.

Castaway: Well, It’s been extremely hard to self motivate, especially the last few months. Sometimes I gather sticks, and I know I should rub them together to make fire, but I find myself looking for any excuse to avoid the task. Continue reading “Depressed Castaway”

I’m currently working on…

A couple of articles for Cracked, I won’t say what they are about yet, but I am reading a lot of academic psychology papers and rewatching all of Paul Thomas Anderson’s movies through a microscope.

Death: A Romantic Comedy [Original Screenplay]

Ever since I read Without Feathers I’ve been a massive Woody Allen fan, or as we’re now known,  Woody Allen Sympathisers. I wrote this short screen play at the hight of my Woody Allen fandom and for extra pretension points, I even hunt-and-pecked the whole thing on an Olympia portable typewriter, just like the one Woody has used to write everything he has ever written, from Shouts and Murmurs pieces for the New Yorker to Oscar winning screenplays.

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One downside of using a typewriter is I haven’t been able to put this script online or do anything to it since I wrote it, and during the elapsed time, Woody’s legacy as a writer has been somewhat overshadowed by his shady personal goings-on. But I finally got around to scanning it, so here it is for the first time, warts and all. The influence should be quite clear, and I challenge you to read this and not picture the king creep himself as the protagonist.

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Read it here: Death. A Romantic Comedy

*Side note – The character Liz is an age appropriate, consenting adult.

HIRE ME

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If you ever wondered why your ads are underperforming, your tweets are underwhelming and your emails are under spam.

You need a copywriter. Continue reading “HIRE ME”

A Day Without My Beloved iPhone: A Pathetic Fallacy

I was surfing the net the other day, trying to find just the right video of a penguin falling over that I thought could contend with one a friend of mine sent me of a turtle, flailing on its back with a little plastic saxophone fixed in place, when I came across an ad for the new iPhone 5. I have the iPhone 4 so you can imagine the inadequacy I felt because of it. In fact, if you were a strict Freudian you might think that, subconsciously, I left the phone in my pocket on purpose later that day when I was routinely drying my trousers in a 18th century mangle. Continue reading “A Day Without My Beloved iPhone: A Pathetic Fallacy”

HELP, call the Police – life as a Coffee Shop Barista

I’ve never been so inexorable as to purposefully evade all the trendy new things young people are into; my thrifty, second-hand collection of ‘The Smiths’ and ‘Velvet Underground’ vinyl is testament to that. But four years ago I wasn’t so savvy about such things as I am now. The word frappé was Greek to me and for all I knew mochaccino was a made up word. With that in mind, imagine my ineptitude when I walked into a franchised high-street coffee outlet in London and asked for: “A cup of coffee, please.” Continue reading “HELP, call the Police – life as a Coffee Shop Barista”

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